So the Olympic games are in full swing (apart from for the rowers, who seem to be having a lot of trouble with the wind. On a coastal piece of water near the Atlantic, who knew?) so to get in the spirit we re-imagined every Bundesliga team as an Olympic sport. Disagree with our selections? Any better ideas? Get in touch!
Bayern Munich - Track
OK, mostly just the 100m. But Bayern are the undoubted superstars, the biggest egos and the most easily recognisable. How could we not compare them to the world renowned Usain Bolt, fastest man on the planet? And all the other superstars of the track: Michael Johnson, Mo Farah, Haile Gebre Selassie. Also it works because they always run away with it. Get it?
Borussia Dortmund - Swimming
Exciting, intense, full of household names and incredibly physically draining, swimming represents all that Dortmund's fast style of pressing and counter-attacking stands for. There's always a few young stars who you know will go on to do great things too. So for Katie Ledecky, see Julian Weigl or Raphael Guerreiro and for Michael Phelps or Ryan Lochte see Marco Reus or Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang.
Bayer Leverkusen - Handball
Fast paced, a little crazy and only really appreciated by a marginal market, handball represents the chaotic world of Bayer Leverkusen. Dominated by Europeans with fringe support in other countries, handball is one of the best sports to watch, even though no one really understands what is going on...
Borussia Mönchengladbach - Cycling
Fast, reckless, full of crashes and a breathtaking finish, cycling perfectly represents the current Borussia Mönchengladbach. Backed up by a long history of success, big names and occasional troubles, cycling and Gladbach just seem to go together. With a strong contingent of Germans, Belgians and Dutch, even the nationalities match up.
FC Schalke 04 - Rowing
Feels like it should be slightly bigger than it is, considering lots of people watch and take part worldwide, rowing just lacks that final spark to take it to the level of the other sports, much like Schalke. There are greats of the sport, particularly Sir Steve Redgrave, but mostly competitors take part, are loved by those in the know, then disappear. Much like Schalke players.
Mainz 05 - Rugby 7s
Something new and fresh to keep the big boys on their toes, with just enough physicality to scare off the less popular sports. Mainz have had a great few years and, despite being an old club, have only recently moved towards the top of the German pyramid, much like rugby 7s is making an assault on the established arts of Union and League. Not as many people watch as they should either.
Hertha Berlin - Fencing
We watch in fascination, but really we are there for the surroundings rather than the sport. Berlin is one of the greatest cities in Europe; fencing has cool flashing lights on a black background and colourful face masks. There's a Bundesliga football team in Berlin? Oh, I never realised, I was too busy enjoying myself! Oh, there's a sport behind all those flashing lights? I never realised, I was too busy watching the pretty flashing...
VfL Wolfsburg - Golf
You recognise a couple of names and wonder how they ended up there, whilst the real big names, like Rory McIlroy or Andre Schürrle, "say" they want to be there and then decide against it, as there are better prizes elsewhere. Golf doesn't seem like it belongs in an Olympics, in the same way Wolfsburg don't really belong near the top of the Bundesliga. But here we are.
FC Köln - Archery
Still gets a lot of respect as one of the founding sports with plenty of tradition and history behind it, but no one really pays attention any more, much like Köln as the very first winners of the Bundesliga have gradually lost relevance over the years. Archery doesn't appear to be making a comeback in popularity, unlike Köln, but there will always be the sense that the best days are well behind them.
Hamburg SV - Wrestling/ Judo
Seem to be ever present, much like Hamburg the dinosaur. Not always the best to watch, not always pretty, but always effective and a continuous test of strength. OK so Hamburg had a period of success, but I guess WWE counts as wrestling's years of success right? Might be pushing it a bit with that one...
FC Ingolstadt - Water Polo
Brutal but effective, not always the highest number of goals but always the feeling that something more fun is going on under the surface, water polo perfectly reflects Ingolstadt. Their physical approach wasn't the most popular but it worked and replays often revealed something a little bit naughty going on in the background, much like the underwater camera in the water polo. Worth watching for the aggro at the very least.
FC Augsburg - Canoe / Kayak
The less prestigious of the water sports and a recent revelation in the Olympic world, canoe and kayak, especially on the rapids, represents the heady ascent of FC Augsburg. Twists, turns, problems and success in equal measure, a feeling of elation just for reaching the end of another season successfully... Augsburg are always fighting, much like a canoeist must, to stay the right way up and at the top of the game. Impressive and well liked if not the most historically important of the sports/ clubs.
Werder Bremen - Gymnastics
How they survived last season was a show of contortion which very few gymnasts could pull off. Like an amateur on the beam they look like they're about to fall off at any point....
Darmstadt 98 - Field
Everyone keeps an eye on the field events to see what is going on, but the bulk of it often puts you off from watching for too long. Very few personalities and a feeling of repetition keeps viewers channel hopping, but we keep coming back to see how it is getting on in the hope there might be a medal sometime soon. Not everyone's favourites but nobody dislikes it/ them.
1899 Hoffenheim - Basketball
The glitz and glamour of the NBA are a long way from the competition at the Olympics (other than Team USA). Hoffenheim pretend to be the real deal but actually are just a plastic fake in the middle of nowhere, with only a small group of people taking an interest. Hoffenheim depend on one star to survive, be that Roberto Firmino, Kevin Volland or Vedad Ibisevic, much like basketball relies on Team USA taking part to survive as an Olympic sport, especially after the break up of the USSR.
Eintracht Frankfurt - Boxing
This is purely a comment on their fans. They have that reputation for a reason....
SC Freiburg - Sailing
Pretty to watch, plenty of fierce competition and a sense that maybe we should pay a little more respect to the competitors and a little more attention to the sport as a whole. But we won't, in the case of sailing because no one has the foggiest what is going on and in the case of Freiburg because they'll probably get relegated again at some point so better not to waste our time on learning who their third choice holding midfielder is.
RB Leipzig - Equestrian
Rich, privileged and smug would be three words most people use to describe people who ride horses in the equestrian, hardly helped by the fact a Royal Princess took part for Team GB for a number of years. None of that class exists around RB Leipzig, but all the money certainly does and the simmering hatred that football fans often have for the wealthy of the world (until they're bankrolling their new striker of course) would certainly apply to RB. There's still a lot of grudging admiration though; the team they have built is very good, much like the ability to train a horse to jump over a fence and 3 foot of water is very impressive.
Enjoy the Olympic Games in Rio but don't forget, we have a lot of content coming your way and plenty of previews before the new season so keep an eye on us! You can find us on Facebook and Twitter so check us out!
This is where it all begins. Our resident analysts study the unrecognised players and examine the matches that are of interest across Europe.