Griaß eich, liebe Bundesliga-Fans!
Pardon my Bavarian, dear readers. It’s just that I might have watched one too many Kasperle videos before my team (SC Freiburg) faced Augsburg last Saturday… Heh heh heh…! Anyway, I wasn’t here to discuss the creepiest pre-game show a football club can offer, but to present you a comprehensive recap of Bundesliga’s eighth match day.
Yep, the writer of Bundeslihaha is finally writing a ‘real’ article for this website like the mature adult she is. So, let us begin!
“Ihr seid die Bayern und wir sind die Jäger!”
You know how this is going to go, right? After a disappointing loss at Atletico in the Champions League and domestic draws with Köln and Frankfurt, Bayern Munich finally rose-up from the ashes of their so-called ‘crisis’ with spectacular home wins against PSV Eindhoven (4:1) and Angstgegner Borussia Mönchengladbach (2:0), the latter of which cemented their place at the table’s summit. Kind of cemented: the gap between first and second is a bare two points. But before we move on to this year’s shocking array of Bayern hunters, there are a few takeaways from this match.
Ancelotti is better than Guardiolda at managing his squad. No more rushing injured players back equals more squad choice in important matches! On the other hand, his beloved 4-3-3 hasn’t exactly been ideal, especially for Thomas Müller. He ain’t a winger, man.
On the bright side, Rafinha is better than we thought. The Brazilian has been convincing so far this season, both as a sub and in the starting eleven, so it would make sense for Carlo Ancelotti to start him once again. And lo and behold, Rafinha repaid Don Carlo’s faith by being a reminder of what Philipp Lahm can do on his best days. Not only was he a defensive force at right-back, he also added much-needed firepower by providing an assist to Arturo Vidal. After watching this game, I hope he can keep up his performance in subsequent matches. Douglas Costa, David Alaba, and Arjen Robben were also awesome. So far, only Frank Ribéry is injured. I’m not going to say anything else for fear of jinxing further injuries.
But should Bayern fans fear that much?
Die Roten’s not-quite-rivals Borussia Dortmund are missing a whopping seven players; six through injuries (Durm, Subotic, Reus, Bender, Guerreiro, Schmelzer) and one through suspension (Emre Mor, thanks to Sebastian Langkamp’s Oscar/Fallon D’Floor bait.) These absences were evident during their intense 3-3 draw away at Ingolstadt. They had possession but not penetration and were thus punished by Almog Cohen in the sixth minute and Dario Lezcano in the 24th.
Thankfully, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang pulled one back in the 59th minute with a headed goal (and you’ve got to see Dembele’s assist. It was just as stunning!) But that’s got nothing on Lezcano’s second goal of the game (60’). In that moment, every Schanzer had hope. But their elation didn’t last long – BVB’s backup striker Adrian Ramos narrowed the gap nine minutes later. Dortmund “showed good heart” opined USA international Christian Pulisic after his goal made it 3:3 in the dying minutes of the game. Sadly, the point still leaves Die Schwarzgelben in sixth place.
Yes, sixth. You heard that right, dear readers. The Bundesliga that we used to know is on the verge of dying. Without Dortmund to stop their evil schemes, Bayern will win the next 150 championships. We’re doomed. Especially with RB Leipzig taking the Dortmunder’s rightful place.
WARNING: The next part of the article does not contain derogatory insults towards Die Roten Bullen. Proceed with caution.
RasenBallsport Leipzig has been unstoppable this term. With five wins and three draws, the Saxony outfit broke the record for the best start ever for a newly-promoted side. Coincidentally, the record also holds a good omen: after losing their eighth match, previous holder 1. FC Kaiserslautern went on to lift the Meisterschale that season. Most Bundesliga fans don’t think that’s such a good thing, though. I understand how despicable this promotional tool is (they don’t deserve the sacred title of ‘club’, no matter what!), what with their ‘clever’ manoeuvring around the holy 50 + 1 Rule and alienating their own ‘fans’…
If RB Leipzig finishes in a Champions/Europa League place, they will have to juggle between the Bundesliga, the DFB-Pokal, and international matches. But like every other minor Bundesliga club in recent years in European competition, they’ll fall either through a lack of skill or prioritisation of Klassenerhalt (staying up). And so, like SC Freiburg before them, they shall get raided the next season, which will definitely lead to relegation! Yay! German football is safe(ish)!
Does anyone else think of that possibility? Because that scenario isn’t entirely impossible.
‘But Alicia,’ you retort, ‘unlike Freiburg, they have the means to replace all those lost players!’
‘Oh, yeah,’ I reply dejectedly, ‘I didn’t think of that.’
So there ends the hypothetical story.
So concludes Part 1 of an epic match day review. Stay tuned for more in the coming days!